Monday, June 23, 2008

Speaking of Change: Are the Rumors True?

Disclaimer: the article you are about to read contains references to Coors Brewing Company, which is headquartered here in our home state of Colorado. Now as there are quite a number of subscribers from Coors on our newsletter list, they will be reading various witticisms about Coors from us, including a few jabs at Coors beer itself and how it tastes. Please be assured that these jabs are nothing more than good-natured ribbing, and even though Coors beer tastes like hydrogen peroxide, please understand that we have bought and continue to buy Coors products. In fact, we have spent more money on Coors beer than water, barley and grain combined in our entire lifetimes. So our financial support gives us the right to make witty comments about your product. And now, on with the jesting.

Are the rumors true?

A friend of ours works for Coors. Well she used to work for Coors. Now Coors is merging with Miller and it will be called Miller-Coors. They also have another joint venture with Molson, so they are also Molson-Coors.

This means that Coors will now taste like Miller, which means that Miller now tastes like Coors, which means that it doesn't matter anyway because they taste the same.

So Coors, as far as taste goes, ahem, is not going to change. But what will change for Coors employees?

It depends on your job function. In fact, our friend is not sure what her future is with her job and how it will change. She did have one interesting thing she did in order to keep her sense of humor:

As soon as the rumors started flying around at Coors that they may be doing another big merger, she started writing the rumors down in a journal. She wrote down every rumor she heard at work throughout the months, just to see how many of them would come true.

And she discovered that out of all the rumors that flew around, only about 40% came to fruition.
Here are a few things she heard which did NOT end up happening:
  • Coors Field, home of the Colorado Rockies baseball team, did not become "Miller Stadium" or "Molson Mansion." Likewise, the team was not renamed "The Molson Mooses."

  • Pete Coors did not change his last name to Miller during a drunken evening with Bill Gates.

  • Every single Coors employee was not offered a bag of free peanuts if they volunteered to give up their job rather than wait for layoffs.

  • The "Silver Bullet" did not become "The Lone Gunman."

  • Monkeys did not take over management positions (they're all too busy working for the government).

  • Smoking was not suddenly going to be allowed at your desk for three weeks in July.

  • Coors did not attach sensors to the bottoms of staplers to prevent employees from stealing them from the office. So people went ahead and stole them.

Here are some of the things she heard which DID later came to be true:

  • Coors not only merged with Miller, they also merged with Molson - which means the beer STILL tastes the same.

  • The plant in Colorado would stay open--and it would still get a foot of snow followed by a balmy 80 degree day, followed by snow, followed by sunny golf weather. And now you know how that special Rocky Mountain water creates that signature Coors taste.

  • Coors did become Miller-Coors, which is similar to a woman getting married and hyphenating her name. If they have children, their last names will be Miller-Molson-Coors.

The universality in all of this: when faced with change and uncertainty, people freak out. It doesn't solve anything, but at least people feel better.

As Corporate Comedians, The O'Shea Report offers corporate comedy, business humor, and motivational humor keynotes for meetings and conventions.

1 comment:

The O'Shea Report said...

We have received an anonymous tip about the legal mumbo-jumbo of the mergers/joint-ventures of Coors:

That's hilarious!!

FYI..... it's a JOINT VENTURE with Miller, hence MillerCoors and legal says no hyphen.

It was a MERGER with Molson : ) Molson Coors is global and MillerCoors is US biz only. Clear as mud, right?

So there you have it...another layer of comedy in change!
The O'Shea Report